I am miserable this morning. I just feel horrible. Third day in a row. There is nothing going on, that I know about. I feel like I am bleeding from every orifice.
Yesterday, we made just fabulous music in church. We all had so much fun. If religion is the opiate of the masses, then the people I worship with have managed to distill the finest heroin available anywhere....
... and it made no difference at all to my mood. I felt horrible before I went and I felt horrible when I got home. I feel as if I'm staying at a hotel in downtown Kigali in about May of 1994.
After all these many years of managing this, I have finally come around to thinking about my experiences as a "gift". this even though I understand that the primary reason that I am this way is that I developed empathy as a defense mechanism to be aware of impending tirades and terror from my parents. I must have been born with the propensity but their imperious abuse certainly nurtured and developed this sixth sense of mine to a fine edge.
You might have thought that at least *one* of the myriad counselors and psychiatrists who had attended to me for all those many years, at least one of them would have picked up on the fact that my moods are a reflection, that they don't originate with me and they don't even belong to me, but that I am only acting as the reflector, the receiver. However, if you thought that, it would be because you make the same fundamental mistake about their real roles that I did for so many years. Psychiatrists are not hired or paid for by the patients, no indeed, they are hired and paid by the parents, the teachers, the police and other authorities who do not wish to deal with the difficulties they have spawned on account of their own hypocrisies. The real goals and motivations of the psychiatrists is to make individuals be more tractable, more congenial, easier to cope with, quieter. They have no reason whatever to want to really help or "cure" these people. That is why they have so little hesitation about using powerful drugs, electric shock, surgery, or whatever other damaging, destructive and harmful means they can invent to permanently maim people if that will help to achieve their real goals.
I'll save that rant for another day.
I was well past 50 when I began to really realize that I am an empath. I receive other people's emotions, in much the same way that your nose receives information about a pestilence, an infection, a putrescence, a poison. At times I can be genuinely psychic, receiving feelings from people far distant from me. Like ammonia to your nose, I can be almost overcome if something is intense enough. But, like your nose, I cannot usually isolate the source of the affliction, I must rely upon other sources, other senses, my eyes, ears, or even touch, to identify where the smell is coming from. In the case of emotions, its still, even now, a bit of a challenge to verify that the source is outside of me rather than coming from my own body. On occasion I even adopt physical aches and pains, back aches, fatigue, asthma, or other bodily distress symptoms. Once I'm pretty sure its not "me", then I still have to figure out who is sending to me., and sometimes it can takes weeks or longer to find out. It can be someone I am living with. It can be someone I am close friends with. It can be some family member or some long lost girlfriend that I have not even seen or talked to for months or even years.... or ... since I spend so much time reading myriad news sources and commentary, and focusing upon macro and worldwide economic issues which affect millions of people rather than isolated political figures who have much less importance than they or their detractors or the media say they do ... it can be the markets.
That is why I can be such an accurate prophet. Its not because I can really see the future, although many times it seems that way. Its because I can feel what the people in power are really feeling, and so I know what they are going to do before they do.
A slight aside here. The reason why I am not rich is very simple. I do not want to be very rich. Its a royal pain in the ass to have to make all those decisions all the time and to have powerful, aggressive individuals after you, trying every trick in the book to take it away from you all the time. I have been, in times past, rich enough to know what that's about ... rich enough that when there is a general bus, metro and taxi strike in Paris, the manager of the hotel where I'm staying gives me his personal car to use. I could go on but you know. Its a royal pain in the ass, Jesus was not just preaching when he talked about being rich being a terrible experience. You would think that the very, very rich of this world would be smart enough to figure that one out, but they can't because they have this horrible addiction...its much worse than heroin ... I am digressing again, sorry.
That's why, if I need money, I can always get it out of the markets. Always.
I don't have any girlfriends right now, have got them all out of my home and out of my blood, haven't had any for years. I may have just outgrown all of that misery, for good and all. My friends are doing fine and my family members are bumbling along as usual. So this mood which is pounding me like a nor'easter has got to be coming from the high up muckty mucks. I was not just kidding about cheap oil being a black swan.
Look out below ....