Aggression

From time to time there occur feelings or accompanying actions in my character, or my personality, or my soul, if you will, which pompous pedagogues like to label "aggressive."

I was born weak and grew up physically small while I was most often placed into social situations where the people I had to deal with were both physically larger and had more money and influence than I did.  However, like everyone, I experienced situations from time to time where people caused me pain, caused me harm, and I saw no beneficial reason for their actions but only a desire to cause pain or harm.  My natural reaction was to imitate them and mirror their feelings.  This generally resulted in further condemnation, punishment, and pain and harm.

After a great deal of pain and harm, I tended more often to turn my aggressive feelings upon myself, to deliberately injure or harm myself.  In doing so I discovered that this often created pain and suffering on the original perpetrators.  None of this is exactly rocket science although it does seem to be lost on most of the "psychiatric experts" of our day, who prefer a genetic or other chemical explanation to the outrageous suggestion that they themselves may actually be perpetrating more damage than they are alleviating.

After years and years of trial and error, of accumulating a vast array of experience tangential, inverted, reverted, and convoluted, I began to realize that there was never and is not and never will be anything "wrong" with me or my brain or my feelings or the things that I do.  God loves me very, very much and the people who believe otherwise are simply trucked up.

Furthermore, after a long, long time, I began, slowly at first, to understand, more and more thoroughly, that the one thing that all of the people who have tormented me all of my life have in common is that the "need" me.  They need to have me around because they need someone to control, to dominate, to look down upon, and to harass and punish and inflict pain upon.

And that little fact makes everything so easy.  All I ever have to do to get back at them, to release my aggression if you will, to express myself, and to teach them the lesson that they need so badly to learn, is simply to abandon them and go off and have a good time somewhere else.  It really drives them crazy....

...Like its going to do when the United States of trucking America collapses and all of the mothertruckers who have counted on their money to save them are going to realize that it is only so much paper and has no more value than sand.  Maybe they won't starve to death on account of all the sandwiches there, but they sure will suffer.  And I will exercise my greatest sin, and laugh.

feelings ...

(aside)  Nina Simone's rendition of the song by that name, at the Montreux jazz festival, 1976, ranks up there with my all time top life art experiences.  Check it out on you tube or someplace.

Life has given me cause to meditate and reflect, lately, upon the facet of my nature represented by my extreme non-violence, non-aggressive nature.  From time to time I wonder, if circumstances came down to blakc-and-white, could I kill a man if I had to in order to keep myself alive?  I do not know.  I'm pretty sure I could kill someone if I had to in order to protect someone I love, though.

I have been taking an online college course in Human Evolution lately.  I have a personal theory that the story of Cain and Able in the Bible has its metaphoric origins in the genocide of the Neanderthal species of hominids by the "Caucasian" race.  Hence, white skin is the "mark of Cain". Some other time I'll try to do a blog entry on some of the details I have found.  I'm sure its not a popular conclusion but there's masses of supporting evidence and I am by no means the only person to posit such a hypothesis.

Obviously I despise the aggressions of my people, made worse by their extreme efforts to hide, obfuscate, and redirect blame.  Most especially the ones who exhibit it the most, i.e. the ones on top.  Obviously I believe that sooner or later, God will make them pay for their behavior.  Most likely their ultimate downfall will occur within my lifetime and I will get to witness it, maybe participate a little bit.  After all my dad's name was "Sam", I am Sam's son.

I run some level of fear nearly all of the time.  Although mostly its way in the background, it comes to the front very easily and often.  It is common, for example, for me to be wakened from a deep sleep in terror, heart pounding, senses on high alert, and have no idea of what woke me.  My parents started to single me out for special attention before I reached puberty.  the counselors and the psychiatrists staunchly asserted that I would never be "cured" but would need their constant assistance all of my life.  Breaking free from their leeches took inhuman strength.

Fundamentally, I could not tolerate a minute more of my life without God.  This is not some intellectual, cognitive conclusion.  This is not something I arrived at by listening to ministers or reading any books.  This is atavistic, visceral, down at the most fundamental core of my being.  That is where He lives.  Simply put He is the only one that I can trust never to abandon me.  I can leave or I can drive away, virtually any human being.  Besides, all of you will die, sooner or later, that is the number one most essential fact of your nature.  There is nothing in the whole world that I can do to prevent you from dying, no matter how wise, how intelligent, how courageous I may act.

Somewhere on earth, a man was murdered last night.  I felt him go, I was awakened to feel his terror and then his recognition.  He was an aggressive man but he acted stupid.  That's pretty much all I know about him, I have no idea where he lived or who he knew or what he had done to deserve his fate.  Certainly I could not have done it, could never be accused of such.  Most everybody else is going to breathe a little bit easier today, though, and no one is going to miss him.....I wonder what his name was ....